1. Do You Dance?

Maybe your friends are too cool to dance. Maybe they’re too cool not to dance. Or because they’re so not cool it’s cool for them to dance in a ‘you’re not cool but you know it’ way. Whatever they may be, and however confusing that thought became, it’s definitely a topic worth considering when booking your next function space.

Of course it all comes back to what’s gonna be best for the atmosphere: will there be people chucking shapes so hard that Arnott’s is gonna come knocking with a sponsorship deal? Or will you just get left with some sorry arsed cover band playing to an empty space of antipathy?

2. How Social is Your Media?

Social media hey? The great leveller they call it – well, I’m sure someone does. Nowadays it’s just a sure-fire way to get all your friends to your next function…and all their friends…and the friend’s friends, not to mention the creepy weird guy in the corner who doesn’t even have access to the internet but still managed to get there. So with that being the case you’re gonna need to find a space that’ll cater for all 853 of you.

Alternatively, you’re gonna be smart and realise not everyone’ll turn up and book for a (conservative) 600 people.

Then 33 will show up.. Awesome.

What’s the point of all these words in this order? Basically they’re an attempt to get you to utilise your social media to judge your numbers appropriately.

3. Know Your Conversation.

Looking to sit down and have a nice chat about the political landscape, focusing particularly on the passive migration of our country’s trek towards another possible recession? Hmm, yes, very interesting thank you. But if that’s your go then you’ll wanna make sure the venue you book doesn’t have ‘Summer Hits 2015’ jammed into the tape deck at a decibel that doesn’t even exist in a musician’s ears. Maybe consider an Officeworks meeting room? I hear they come cheap, sort of like their big business morals…oooh, stick it to the man.

Alternatively you and your friends are those people on the train in the next carriage whose conversation I can hear word perfect. You don’t have to yell to converse you know?

Whatever the case may be, know the venue’s soundtrack. If possible, provide the soundtrack, that way you can match it to the conversations you know are going to ripple seamlessly through the night.

Worst comes to worst, if you feel like the people you’ve invited are going to struggle to make small talk, host your function in a library. That way the awkward silences will just be legitimately enforced silences.

4. ‘Location’ x 3

You’ve found the perfect place. It’s amazing, everything you could have ever hoped for! You do all the planning, you set everything up and it looks better than you could have imagined. This is going to be amazing, you’ve outdone yourself.. No really, you have, BUT there’s a problem with the guests. 70% get lost finding it – 25% have texted apologies for late-notice withdrawals – 5% are mugged getting there.

It could be the world’s best space but you’ve gotta consider where your invitees are coming from to get there. Transport, area and access play a big part. Oh, and no muggers too.

4b. The ½

The post function. Is there a second half of the night? Where we going? Home for a cup of tea and a biscuit? I THINK NOT! Scout out those neighbouring venues. Do it. Have the secondary location ready to go with a click of your mind brain. Aimless searching for a night cap is worse than a grandma that kisses on the lips. It’s fine alone, but the worst when you do it in front of your friends.

Now it’s time to find your venue!