Every industry has its perils and share of cretins that employees have to deal with on a daily basis. Whether you work at a bank, in a law firm, in retail, in a school or as a dog walker, there are certain aspects of every job, certain “individuals” more specifically, you’re taught you have to “just deal with”.

As a banker it’s the person who brings in a Santa clause sack of 10 cent pieces they wish to deposit into 4 separate accounts 5 minutes before closing. In retail, it’s the person who comes back to return everything they purchased the day before during a large impulse spree, all items of clothing still perfectly folded in the order printed on their receipt. For the teacher it’s the overbearing parent who wants a daily report on their child’s school day, and is petitioning the school to follow a strict sugar-free, paleo diet. For the dog walker it’s this same parent whose dog is on the same diet, and requests extra “pat” time by the walker… which is closely monitored through a doggy cam.

But what about the hospitality worker who has to deal with ALL of these people on a daily basis? The ones who are susceptible to constant breakdowns, abuse, and beers thrown on them from across the bar by customers who knock over THEIR OWN drinks and hurl abuse at the bartender? *this is sadly a true story.

As a person who has in their time, worked her fair share of hours in hospitality, I believe I can play a part in ensuring YOU, person reading this, don’t damage the soul of the next person who pours your wine or presents your steak. I would also like to thank past colleagues who have generously offered their stories – this one goes out to you.

DON’T:

• abuse a worker for not having a lift in the venue, then threaten to call the ombudsman. Unfortunately, you’ll find that staff rarely have any input into the design of a venue.

• reply with “pot of draught” when your bartender greets you with “hi, how are you mate”. Last time we checked, CUB weren’t making feelings….

• order food and drinks for a group and then proceed to show a tab card after everything has been put through the till…it’s not as easy as CTRL-CUT, CTRL-PASTE …

• order the same drink as your friend who has just ordered and paid. All ingredients have been put back to their respective locations and it’s called plain inefficiency. You know the feeling of getting home from the shops to then realise you have to go back for one thing? Yeah, rage.

• spend $1000 on a business dinner, shrug and say “Sorry I would tip but it’s a company card”. No no, I understand, please continue playing with the keys to your Merc and flashing your Rolex.

• go to Brumby’s and buy your own bread rolls to eat in the restaurant as your entree.

• knock over your own drink then demand a replacement free of charge. Furthermore, when your request is declined, don’t tell your waiter that “when you’re older you will understand”. I mean, if I knocked my wine over at home AT ANY AGE, would another magically appear for me free of charge? NO!!!

• think you can fool a waitress about your so-called ‘gluten intolerance’. Firstly, everyone knows you’re not. The dead giveaway was when you asked if the rice was gluten…Didn’t your doctor take you through I don’t know, some sort of a list when you were “diagnosed”?

• yell at your waiter when the food is not to your liking. A) they had no hand in cooking it and B) inside voices get you much further in life and may even stop your waiter asking the chef to recook your meal with extra spit.

• And finally, don’t think that a please and thank you ever go astray. If both is asking for too much, just one will do!

By Bee Marffy

Lead Phot Cred: Brooke Cagle