I’m the first to admit I have been almost all of these drinkers at one point or another. I can only imagine what the bartender thought of me when I was ordering Vodka Redbulls as a fresh 18 year old, but alas, at the time I knew no better. Just as my clothes, hair styles and body language have changed, so have my drinking habits. After many hangovers and years of working in hospitality, I now know that what you order gives the bartenders and fellow drinkers around you insight into your life and soul.
As long as you are polite, a bartender will happily make you whatever you choose. It is our job, after all. But regardless of where you’re at in your drinking evolution, these are the harsh half-truths about what your drink of choice says about you. Not that we are judging…
Jägerbombs
Has anyone ever ordered just one jägerbomb? I don’t think so. If you aren’t a first year university student who doesn’t know how to spell jäger that’s buying a round for eight people, three of whom you just met at the bar, then you probably shouldn’t be ordering a jägerbomb. RedBull may give you wings, but it will also give you heart palpitations.
Vodka Lime Soda
You want to get drunk but don’t want the calories. Or taste. You say ‘vodka. FRESH lime and soda’ when you order, more often than not including the “squeezing the lime” hand gesture. I’ll give you a hot tip; bartenders very, very rarely use lime cordial these days and so this is quite unnecessary.
Scotch On The Rocks
Either you are Ron Burgandy, or you have long since established the fine art of sipping and enjoying a drink rather than sculling it. It takes a mature palate to appreciate a good scotch. Bartenders respect you, and those who stick to their VLS’s look on in awe.
Moscato
You don’t like the taste of alcohol but you do like being drunk. OR you heard Drake rap about it. Or Kendrick. Or Waka Flocka Flame. Or Lil’ Kim. Actually we aren’t sure why hip hop artists use moscato as their drink of choice to include in their lyrics, but we can assume it’s less to do with the sickly sweet taste and more to do with it being easy to rhyme with.
Hot Tip: It ain’t wine – it’s essentially sugar & water
Mojito
Possibly the most annoying drink to make. Delicious, but annoying. If you are in Cuba then sure, go for it. But in the middle of winter in Australia when the bar is five people deep? Don’t be that guy.
Rum and Coke
I’m 99% sure people only order a rum and coke so when they have finished their drink they can say ‘but why is the rum gone?’
Tequila Shot
Everyone knows exactly what they are getting themselves in for when they order a tequila shot. Tequila is trouble. There will be dancing, there will be poor decisions made, and there will be a hangover. At 10pm you’ll have a deep and meaningful with a stranger; at 11pm you’re telling your friends how much you love them; at 12am you’re singing the backing and lead vocals simultaneously to Bohemian Rhapsody; at 1am you’ll fight anyone and anything; and at 2am you’re texting your high school boyfriend ‘i miss you x’.
Rosé
Rosé drinkers say ‘it’s 5pm somewhere’ as they order a bottle at midday with their lunch as if it isn’t the third time they’ve done that this week.
Dirty Martini
You are a seasoned drinker. You are effortlessly cool and classy but are a troubled soul, a hot mess. You hopefully also have fine motor skills because martini glasses are basically the absolute worst and a design disaster. Yes, I know martinis are meant to be sipped and the thin stem means the heat from your hands doesn’t effect the temperature of your drink, but do they really need to create tsunami-esque waves at the slightest movement?
Espresso Martini
Given our love for coffee it shouldn’t be a surprise that the most popular cocktail in Australia at the moment is the espresso martini. For the most part, espresso martini drinkers are just after a drink to wake them up and give them a buzz. However, when someone orders there 5th for the night, it’s time to tone down the caffeine.
Expresso Martini
No. Just no.
Bloody Mary
You know that one way to beat your hangover from the night before is by simply remaining drunk. You are also efficient, killing two birds with one stone by drinking your vegetables. Well done you.
Gin & Tonic
Oh gin drinker, you are so mysterious. Are you a tortured artist? Are you an international spy? Are you a grandma? Are you a sociopath? We’ll never know.
Craft Beer
The new wine snobs on the block. You will tell the person next to you about how hoppy your your beer is, have luscious facial hair, and are mostly likely wearing RM Williams right now.
Lager
It was an uncomfortable few months for you when the rest of Australia was boycotting CUB beers. VB, XXXX, Emu Export, Carlton Draught, you name it. You drink it by the gallon and you drink it proudly. You’re generally easy to talk to, approachable, and are always up for a laugh. You don’t take yourself, or your drink, too seriously; you just want to enjoy a cold one. Either that or you’re far too hipster for your own good and are drinking it ironically.
Cabernet Sauvignon
You hate going to the beach, love good literature and have a cat named Hemingway.
Negroni
You aren’t here to mess around. You have expert knowledge on the most obscure subjects, love talking about conspiracy theories, and listen to Father John Misty.
Sauvignon Blanc
You know you are past the age of drinking vodka cranberry’s and are above ordering the house white but don’t recognise any other words on the wine list. You ask the bartender if it’s from New Zealand because you heard an elderly lady do that once even though you think they all taste the same. Which is like cat piss. But good on you for taking a step in the right direction. Kind of.
Bottoms up.
By Madeline Wallman
